Good morning readers!
It is a beautiful and Introspective morning here. I look outside my window at a slightly overcast sky as I write to you. I am going through what I consider to be stressful thoughts, but I’m sure most of us go through them. I am on a journey of personal understanding and growth, and the further I go into this, I feel like it pulls me further away and isolates me from those I thought were my friends. Why? Let me explain.
I strive to be a better person. Happier, more kind, more compassionate and understanding, less judgmental, more in control of my emotions and reactions etc.
Can you relate?
Various life circumstances have lead me to this moment, and sometimes I feel like the better I try to be, the more I get judged and isolated. To be honest, I feel totally lost right now. Some people say, “Don’t try so hard”, or “Don’t worry about it, and just live your life.” Here’s the thing: To me, “Living my life” means being the person that I want to be, which is a better version of my current self.
There has to be a way to do this easily right? I don’t sit and meditate or read self help books for 4 hours a day, although that would be nice. I seem to get lost in my own thoughts a lot. I love to share with friends the things that feel like successes to me, no matter how big or small. Their reactions though are often dismissive, not supportive. So, where can I go to get love, and support from those I truly care about? And if my friends are dismissive, what kind of friends are they truly?
I find that it’s more damaging than anything to share with these dismissive people. I have tried to reach out to build relationships, and it seems that sharing my personal journey is not the way to do this. I am starting to feel like it’s best just to keep it to myself and perhaps a few close friends or family members. This will lessen the feelings of being judged and cast aside. Perhaps this also means that I’m judging myself too harshly? After a string of physically and abusive relationships, I know I have become really good at blaming myself. This scares me. I KNOW it’s not all my fault, yet I had found reasons to blame myself for things not working, or someone else’s bad behavior. I am my own worst critic at times. I often critique myself when others haven’t, even though I assume they have, which perpetuates the bad feelings within and towards myself.
Something I am going to focus on this week is Self-Love and Forgiveness towards myself. Each day I want to read, and learn ways to overcome the destructive habits of judging myself, so that I can continue down the path of healing and becoming the person I want to be. Acknowledging this already feels like the right thing, as if a weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Thank you for reading. I encourage you to share your thoughts, advice, or your own personal journey. 🙂